An hour later, it was just us and a 270-degree mountain view. True wilderness. And the picnic, of course: four steaks, a rack of lamb, platters of antipasti, an abundant basket of home-baked bread, Michelin-star cutlery, salads, balsamic vinegar, two types of rock salt and a nice bottle of 1996 chianti for toasting the epic sunset. It wasn’t exactly Ray Mears.

Even so, Hugo had suggested at the time of booking that the chalet wasn’t to the liking of all his guests. In fact, he’d had one couple phone (or BlackBerry, I bet) to demand rescue one hour after they’d been dropped off. They hadn’t liked the silence.

This, more than polar bears trapped on melting ice cubes, more than the continued success of no-win, no-fee injury specialists, more than 20 minutes in a branch of Phones4U just wanting to buy a phone, not a CD player or a camera or a toaster, just a phone, just a goddamn phone, demonstrates that there is no hope, no hope at all, for the world.

When people can be transported to a perfect and, let’s be honest, posh cabin on top of a mountain, left in total peace to contemplate how remarkably fortunate they are to be there - just them, the booze, the roaring fire and the world-beating views - and they phone 15 minutes later to be rescued! Because it’s too quiet! I’m speechless.

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Well, I’m not. In fact, we chatted for hours, me, my wife and the son of the oligarch, on our private mountain. Then, when the day had burnt out, we crawled up to our loft beds and slept that deep, dream-free, high-altitude sleep of the oxygen-deprived.

At 7.30 on the morning after our night of not-in-the-slightest-bit-rugged wilderness living, there was a knock at the door. Breakfast: fruit, pain au chocolat, fresh orange juice, cereals, hot chocolate, coffee and tea for me. But no milk. No milk for my morning tea. These damned Italians thinking just because we’re in Italy, we’ll suddenly start drinking tea without milk. Who do they think we are? What do they think they are playing at? That really was roughing it, I can tell you.

They hadn’t even brought 25 types of omelette - apparently, the potholed mountain track scrambled that idea. Four hours later, we packed our bags, left them for the porter, and wandered down the mountain for two hours, using our own feet and everything.

By midday, we were back. Back to the steam room and the shelves of moisturisers and the 10-course menu degustation and the slippers neatly adjacent to the bed. We’d thoroughly earned our luxury now, of course. We’d spent a whole night out in the wilds, alone with nature (and the wine and steaks and Egyptian cotton sheets and breakfast in bed). We hadn’t even called to be rescued or anything.

“Cheese and ham with my omelette this morning, my good man. And, yes, champagne. Whyever not?”

Travel details: deluxe rooms at the Rosa Alpina (00 39-0471 849 500, www.rosalpina.it ) start at £210, B&B. The chalet costs one extra night at your room rate, including transfers and breakfast. Check the website for weekend deals - some include a chalet stay. The barbecue starts at £55pp, depending on your level of extravagance.

Original Travel (020 7978 7333, www.originaltravel.co.uk ) can arrange three nights at the hotel and one in the chalet; from £580pp, based on two sharing and including flights and car hire.

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