My dugout is a special dugout,” said José Mourinho, explaining the unique back-door arrangement that enables the Inter Milan coach to slip directly backstage at the San Siro, effectively disappearing in a puff of smoke and flabbergasting any visiting coach who may be hanging around for the traditional post-match handshake, or similar pleasantries.

A special dugout, then, for the Special One, who, we need hardly remind you, is “not one from a bottle”. But just take a look at what José could have had, as we present the pick of the pitchside workstations on offer in the Acme Dugouts catalogue, 2009.

The Abramovich Kwik-Fix Rainproofer

Austere but contemporary, bus stop-style shelter with lean-against, neo-Brutalist plastic seating and convenient advert-ready poster sites at each end. Simple to build, straight out of the box and just as simple to dismount, the Abramovich offers the perfect environment for the coach who may be only passing through. Handy real-time LED indicator near roof shows minutes until next manager is due. £4,500, fully installed, with up to £5million cashback payoff opportunity.

The Norton Lazy-Boss 4000

Weatherproof variant on the ever-popular American sitting room classic. Ease backwards from a seated position and the 12-seat bench reclines and footrests pop out. Just right for when the football's on. Available in soft velour (choose from pale gold or lime green) with machine-washable loose covers and fitted with a handy, side-mounted TV remote holster. Optional armrest cup-holders, clip-on popcorn sacks and wipe-clean, easi-meal traytables available as extra. Warning: ergonomically unsound. £26,755, not including cushions and television set.

The Top-line Sponsorship Partner Pitch Box

Bring the corporates right into the picture with this 250-capacity, conservatory-style, grass-level coaching suite. With its padded seats, three-course, waitress-served table-dining and pre-match entertainment from Sir Geoff Hurst (subject to availability), not for nothing have reviewers dubbed the Pitch Box “a true prawn sandwich among dugouts”. Free programme, too, and the chance to choose a substitution, via the half-time raffle. Huge value at just £3,500 per head, per match.

The Nice'n'Snug Rafa Benítez Wind Guard

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The Ready-Mix Ostrichmaster

Fed up with those lightweight, clear-backed, open-ended, continental dugouts, many of which have clearly involved no actual digging-out whatsoever? Get back to basics with this entirely windowless, yet surprisingly roomy, hand-poured concrete tube, designed to function at below-surface depths of anything up to 35 metres. A pre-distressed splintery bench only adds to that all-important retro feel. Now you can say you didn't see the incident and really mean it, week after week. Price on application.

The “Who's The Gaffer?”

Sustained-Action Big Boy Managers! Gain extra inches and last longer in this literally uplifting breakthrough in personal coaching aids. Thanks to its unique air bulb-operated hand-pump, this discreet managerial comfort zone erects to a height of 46 feet above pitch level, thereby offering all the advantages of a seat in the stands without having to sit next to the know-nothing chairman-owner or scream at your assistant down a dodgy mobile phone line. Ninety minutes of pure footballing pleasure guaranteed or your money back. £17.99. Delivered in a plain wrapper. Item will appear on your credit card bill as “stationery supplies”.

None the wiser after Touré's superstitious dash

So many questions about Kolo Touré's “last out of the dressing-room” ritual. Does the Arsenal defender count only fully operational first-team players in this regard, or does the room have to be purged entirely of coaching staff, subs, kit-men, cleaners, etc before he considers it safe to come out?

For instance, among the circumstances that led to Tuesday night's organisational slip-up after half-time at the Emirates Stadium, we know that William Gallas was receiving treatment that took slightly longer than expected - and that this, in turn, meant that Touré, in accordance with the terms of his firmly held superstition, had to wait with him or else risk bringing down ... well, we don't know what, exactly, but presumably any two from three of thunder, plague and an away goal for Roma.

But had Gallas's problem been so serious that it had led to him being substituted in the interval, would Touré's team-mate have had to hop off the treatment table temporarily and limp out into the corridor with the doctor to achieve the required vacation that would enable Touré to take the pitch with an untroubled mind?

What eventually happened, of course - the game resuming, Touré belatedly joining in and getting booked for entering the field of play without the referee's permission - was a big moment for European-night comedy, although purists would point out that, to qualify as a perfect home run in this area, Touré would have had to have received a yellow card in the first half and thus have ended up in the relatively unusual position of getting sent off for coming on.

Nevertheless, the sense of mystery lingers. We don't deny that there are any number of perfectly sound reasons for wanting to come out of the dressing-room last, not least to minimise the possibility of becoming a victim of traditional, football-related pranks - having the crotch cut out of your trousers, your kitbag filled with Lucozade, that sort of thing.

But Arsène Wenger, the Arsenal manager, subsequently confirmed that it was common-or-garden footballing superstition that held back Touré, rather than practicality or a fear of being picked on, and, for those of us who take a sceptical position on superstitions, this is where the matter gets truly baffling.

For what is more likely to court disaster in these circumstances? Being, for a change, merely the penultimate player to leave the dressing-room or beginning the second half of a Champions League knockout tie, against relatively stiff Italian opposition, with nine men, none of whom is a centre back?

But we don't doubt that Wenger will get to the bottom of it. It's why they call him “The Professor”.

You can't win amything with these kids

As the FA announced an inquiry into the betting on Rushden & Diamonds' 9-0 victory over Weymouth in the Blue Square Premier, many worried onlookers, understandably concerned for the integrity of the game, were asking: “What is an irregular betting pattern and how can I do my bit to help spot one?”

Inevitably, it's a dark and complex area, but, essentially, be on the lookout for a non-League side whose first-team players have gone on strike. It may be a telltale sign that something is up - especially if it means that the club have to field their youth side, creating a potential “men against boys” situation.

Watch out, too, for lots of people around you backing the men to win in this circumstance. In that event, alarm bells really ought to start ringing, at which point the best advice for any concerned and dutiful citizen is as follows: pick up the phone and lump on.