I was at Carlisle United, as a guest of one of the directors, oh I know all the local quality. Had to wear a jacket, collar and tie — the lower the division, the higher the standards. Just look at that tramp who owns Newcastle United, at least he did last week, the one who wears a football top over his belly.

At the end of the game, the crowd was restless. Carlisle had been beaten and the club still hadn’t bought anyone new, having sold their top striker. The more abusive fans gathered in front of the directors’ box, where I was standing with them, and shouted up: “Spend some of your money, you tight gits!” I don’t go to football games to be insulted, I can get all that at home.

So when I got home, I decided I would throw some money around. Not wasting it, of course, or spending it on personal extravagances, but investing it wisely.

I did say I would never again put money in a pension, not after being burned by the Equ-able, the name I’m still not mentioning, but my accountant always goes on about the tax advantages, which on paper do look good if you pay 40% tax, but in reality are a nonsense and a faff and life is too short and they won’t catch me again.

Then I read somewhere that the government is soon going to reduce this advantage, such as it is. Hmm, better get in before it’s too late, for one last huzzah. I rang several insurance companies, all of which said “are you a financial adviser” and me saying no, I’m just an idiot with a big bag of money wanting to give it to you. Go away, they said, we only deal with professionals. Don’t believe in them personally, never done me any good, but I rang one and asked them to act for me.

I got sent some possible annuity rates, from different companies — all rubbish. How is it that as I get older, and therefore have less long to live, my annuity rates are going down and not up? They should be paying me more, as it will be for a shorter time. Five years ago, when I last put money in a pension and took out an annuity, the rate was about 10%. Now it’s nearer 8% — yet they will be paying it out for five fewer years. Yes, I know the market has changed, but what a swizz.

Anyway, I decided to bash on. Endless documents arrived by the lorry load with mad questions I couldn’t answer, such as what percentage of my possible pension allowances have I used in the past? No idea. I thought the government was trying to encourage people to make their own pension arrangements, yet every year they make it harder, more complicated and less worthwhile.

In the end, I put a wodge into Canada Life, took my 25% out tax free, which is a laugh, as they are only paying you back your own money. I now have another piddling little annuity soon to be trickling in, on which I will pay 40% tax, as I hope to be earning for ever and ever. I’ve worked out, on the back of an envelope, that if I live to 125, it could be worth it. Otherwise I should just have paid the tax, and saved a week of my life with all the faffing about.

If pensions are a waste of time, what about Isas? The amount the over-fifties can put in is going up on October 6, so perhaps I should spend more on them? I’ve only ever put money in cash Isas, not understanding the other half, about putting it in shares.

When I realised it didn’t mean any old shares, of your own choice, but it had to be in some sort of fund, I thought stuff that. Not letting other people play with my money, if I can help it. So I’ve always had a cash Isa, at a guaranteed return, however modest.

The amount allowed will go up from £3,600 to £5,100, which means I can put in another £1,500. If I move that amount from my building society, I should make about 10 shillings extra in interest. It is, of course, tax free, that big mirage that catches me all the time. But it’s obviously sensible to do it — all the experts say so.

I spent a day trying to find out what Isas my wife and I already have for this year, and with whom. I must have the documents somewhere. A few years ago I was had up before the beaks — the Inland Revenue — when, inadvertently, I had taken out two cash Isas in the same year. I don’t want to make that mistake again.

Maybe I’ll just wait until next tax year. Which means I’ve still got some money to spend. So I’m making an offer for Carlisle United. I think about 15 shillings will probably do it, if I agree to take it off their hands. Then nobody will call me a tight git again.