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From The Sunday Times
May 11, 2008
Settle for less in love
If you want a family, find a man and marry him. Don’t waste time waiting for the one, says this 40-year-old singleton
About six months after my son was born, he and I were sitting on a blanket in the park with a close friend and her daughter. It was a sunny summer weekend, and other parents and their children picnicked nearby. My friend and I, who, in fits of self-empowerment, had conceived our babies with donor sperm because we hadn’t met Mr Right, surveyed the idyllic scene.
“Ah, this is the dream,” I said, and we nodded in silence for a minute, then burst out laughing. In some ways, I meant it: we had both dreamt of motherhood, and here we were. But it was also decidedly not the dream. The dream, like that of our mothers and their mothers from time immemorial, was to fall in love, get married and live happily ever after. Of course, we’d be loath to admit it, but ask any soul-baring 40-year-old single heterosexual woman what she most longs for in life and she probably won’t tell you it’s a better career, a smaller waistline or a bigger apartment. Most likely, she will say that what she really wants is a husband (and, by extension, a child).
To the outside world, we still call ourselves feminists, and insist that we are independent, self-sufficient and don’t believe that damsel-in-distress stuff. In reality, however, we are women who want a traditional family. And, despite growing up in an era when the centuries-old mantra of getting married young was finally replaced by pursuit of high ideals (education, career, but also true love), every woman I know – no matter how successful and ambitious, how financially and emotionally secure – feels panic if she hits 30 and finds herself unmarried.
Oh, I know. I’m guessing there are single, 30-year-old women reading this right now who will write letters to the editor to say that I have no idea what I’m talking about. All I can say is, if you say you’re not worried, you’re either in denial or lying.
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Whether you acknowledge it or not, there is good reason to worry. By the time 35th-birthday brunch celebrations roll around for still-single women, serious, irreversible life issues masquerading as “jokes” creep into public conversation: “Well, I don’t feel old, but my eggs sure do”; “I’m not getting any younger”. The birthday girl smiles a bit too widely as she delivers these lines, and everyone laughs a little too hard for a little too long because, at their core, they pose one of the most complicated, painful and pervasive dilemmas with which many single women are forced to grapple nowadays: is it better to be alone or to settle?
My advice is this: settle. Don’t worry about passion or intense connection. Don’t rule out a guy based on his annoying habit of yelling “Bravo!” in the cinema. Overlook his halitosis or abysmal sense of aesthetics. If you want the infrastructure in place for a family, settling is the way to go. Based on my observations, in fact, settling will probably make you happier in the long run, because many of those who marry with great expectations become more disillusioned with each passing year.
Obviously, I wasn’t always an advocate of settling. In fact, it took not settling to make me realise that settling is the better option. Whenever I make the case for settling, people look at me with creased brows of disapproval or frowns of disappointment. Not only is it politically incorrect to get behind settling, it is downright unacceptable. Our culture tells us to keep our eyes on the prize (while our mothers, who know better, tell us not to be so picky), and the theme of holding out for true love (whatever that is – look at the divorce rate) permeates our collective mentality. When we’re holding out for deep, romantic love, we have the fantasy that this level of passionate intensity will make us happier – but marrying Mr Good Enough might be an equally viable option, especially if you’re looking for a stable, reliable, life companion.
What I didn’t realise, when I decided, in my thirties, to break up with boyfriends I might otherwise have ended up marrying, is that while settling seems like an enormous act of resignation when you’re looking at it from the vantage point of a single person, once you take the plunge, you will probably be relatively content. It sounds obvious now, but I didn’t fully appreciate back then that what makes for a good marriage isn’t necessarily what makes for a good romantic relationship. Once you’re married, it’s not about who you want to go on holiday with, it’s about who you want to run a household with. Marriage isn’t a passion fest; it’s more like a partnership formed to run a small, mundane and often boring not-for-profit business. And I mean this in a good way.
I don’t mean that settling is ideal. As the only single woman in my son’s mummy-and-me group, I listen each week to unrelenting complaints about people’s husbands and feel pretty good about my decision to hold out for the right guy, only to realise that these women wouldn’t trade places with me for a second, no matter how dull their marriages. They, like me, would rather feel alone in a marriage than actually be alone, because they, like me, realise that ultimately, marriage isn’t about cosmic connection – it’s about how having a teammate, even if he’s not the love of your life, is better than not having one at all.
It’s not that I’ve become so jaded that I don’t believe in, or even crave, romantic connection. It’s that my understanding of it has changed. In my formative years, romance was John Cusack and Ione Skye in Say Anything. When I think about marriage nowadays, however, my role models are the television characters Will and Grace – who, though Will was gay, and his relationship with Grace was platonic, are one of the most romantic couples I can think of. What I long for is that sense of having a partner in crime. Someone who knows your day-to-day trivia. Someone who both calls you to task on your bulls*** and puts up with your quirks. So what if Will and Grace weren’t having sex? How many long-standing married couples are having much sex?
“I just want someone who is willing to be in the trenches with me,” my single friend Jennifer told me, “and I never thought of marriage that way before.” Two of her friends have married men she believes aren’t even straight; and, while she wouldn’t have made that choice a few years ago, she wonders whether she might be capable of it in the future. “Maybe they understood something that I didn’t,” she said.
What they understood is this: as your priorities change from romance to family, the so-called deal-breakers change. Some guys aren’t worldly, but they would make great dads. You walk into a room and start talking to somebody who is 5ft 4in, with an unfortunate nose, but he “gets” you. My long-married friend Renée offered this advice: “Even if he’s not the love of your life, make sure he is someone you respect intellectually, who makes you laugh and appreciates you . . . I bet there are plenty of these men in the older, overweight and bald category.” (Which, in any case, they all eventually become.)
She wasn’t joking. All marriages, of course, involve compromise, but where is the cutoff? Take the date I went on last night. The guy was substantially older. He had a long history of depression and said, in reference to the movies he was writing, “I’m fascinated by comas” and “I have a strong interest in terrorists”. He had never been married. He was rude to the waiter. But he very much wanted a family, and he was successful, handsome and smart. I thought: “Yes, I’ll see him again. Maybe I can settle for that.” But my next thought was: “Maybe I can settle for better.” It’s like musical chairs – when do you take a seat, any seat, so you’re not left standing alone?
Back when I was still convinced I’d find my soul mate, many of the guys I dated lived up to my requirements – but, if one of them lacked kindness, another didn’t seem emotionally stable enough, and another’s values clashed with mine. Others were sweet, but so boring that I preferred to read during dinner.
Now I realise that, if I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life, I’m at the age where I will probably need to settle for someone who is settling for me. What we forget is that we won’t always have the same appeal that we may have had in our twenties and early thirties. Having turned 40, I now have wrinkles, bags under my eyes and hair in places I didn’t know hair could grow on women. With my nonworking life consumed by thoughts of potty training and play dates, I have become a far less interesting person than the one who went on hiking adventures and performed at comedy clubs. Once you have a baby, you age about 10 years in the first 10 months, and if you don’t have time to shower, eat, go to the loo in a timely manner or even leave the house except for work, there is little chance that a man – much less The One – is going to knock on your door and join the party.
Then there is the cost of dating as a single mum: online dating, the baby-sitter and, most frustrating, hours spent away from your beloved child. Even women who settle but end up divorced might be in a better position, because many ex-wives get both child-support payments and a free night off when the kids go to their dad’s house. Mums in my position don’t get the night off. At the end of the evening, we rush home to pay the baby-sitter, make any house guest tiptoe around and speak in a hushed voice, then wake up at 6am at the first cries of “Mummy”. Try bringing a guy home to that.
Settling is mostly a women’s game. Men don’t seem the least bit bothered: my friend Chris, a single, 35-year-old marketing consultant, dated a kind and beautiful surgeon, whom he calls “the perfect woman”, for three years. She broke off the relationship several times because, she told him with regret, she didn’t think she wanted to spend the rest of her life with him. Each time, Chris would persuade her to reconsider, until, finally, she called it off for good, saying that she couldn’t marry somebody she wasn’t in love with.
At the time, he was devastated, but now his former girlfriend has reached 35, Chris is hopeful about their future. “By the time she turns 37, she’ll come back,” he said confidently. “And I’ll bet she’ll marry me then. I know she wants to have kids.” I asked him why he would want to be with a woman who wasn’t in love with him. He didn’t see it that way at all. “She’ll be settling,” he said, “but not me. I get to marry the woman of my dreams. That’s not settling. That’s the fantasy.”
Chris believes that women are far too picky: everyone knows that a single, middle-aged man still has appealing prospects, he says, whereas a single, middle-aged woman doesn’t. And he is right. Single women are painfully aware of this. I hear far more women than men talk about getting married as a deadline. My friend Gabe points out that this allows men to be true romantics; when a man breaks up with a perfectly acceptable woman because he’s “just not feeling it”, there is none of the ambivalence that a woman with a deadline feels.
The paradox is that the more it behoves a woman to settle, the less willing she is to do it; a woman in her mid- to late thirties is more discriminating than one in her twenties. Her tastes and sense of self are more solidly formed. She says things like “He wants me to move into town, but I love my home by the beach”, or “Can I really spend my life with someone who’s allergic to dogs?”. And, no matter what women decide, there is always going to be regret. Unless you meet the man of your dreams (who, by the way, doesn’t exist, precisely because you dreamt him up), there is going to be a downside to getting married, but a possibly more profound downside if you hold out for someone better.
Jennifer summed it up this way: “When I used to hear women complaining bitterly about their husbands, I’d think, ‘How sad, they settled.’ Now it’s, like, ‘God, that would be nice.’ ” That’s why mothers tell their daughters to “keep an open mind” about the guy who spends his weekends playing online poker or touches your back for two minutes while watching Sky Sports and calls it a massage. As my own mother once advised me, when I was dating a musician: “Everyone settles to some degree. You might as well settle pragmatically.”
I know all this now, yet here’s the problem: much as I’d like to settle, I can’t seem to do it. The very nature of dating leaves women my age to wrestle with a completely different level of settling. Consider the men older women I know have married in varying degrees of desperation over the past few years: a recovering alcoholic who doesn’t always go to his meetings; an actor still trying to make it in his forties; a widower with three nightmare kids who is still actively grieving for his dead wife; and a socially awkward engineer, so socially awkward that he declined to attend his wife’s book party.
It’s not that these women are crazy, it’s that the dating pool has dwindled dramatically and that, due to gender politics, the few available men tend to require far more of a concession than those who were single when I was younger. And, while I have a much higher tolerance for settling than I did back then, I now have a baby to consider. So while there’s more incentive to settle, there’s less willingness to settle too much, because that would be a disservice to my son.
This doesn’t undermine my case for settling. Instead, it supports my argument to do it young, when settling involves constructing a family environment with a perfectly acceptable man who may not pull your romantic trigger, as opposed to doing it later, when settling involves selling your very soul in exchange for damaged goods. Admittedly, it’s a dicey case to make. Like the divorced women I know who claim they wouldn’t have done anything differently, because then they wouldn’t have Biff and Buffy, I, too, can’t imagine life without my magical son. I also acknowledge the power of the idea that the grass is always greener and allow for the possibility that my life alone is better (if far more difficult) than the one I would have in a comfortable but tepid marriage.
Then my married friends say things like: “Oh, you’re so lucky, you don’t have to negotiate with your husband about the cost of piano lessons”. Or: “You’re so lucky, you don’t have anybody putting the kids in front of the TV, and you can raise your son the way you want.” I even hear things like: “You’re so lucky, you don’t have to have sex with someone you don’t want to.”
The lists go on, and, each time, I say: “Okay, if you’re so unhappy, and if I’m so lucky, leave your husband. In fact, send him over here.” Not one person has taken me up on this offer.
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EG, the reason that (some/many) men want younger (and shorter) women, and the reverse, is because, to quote French philosopher Pierre Bourdieu, these are the outward signs of masculine domination, and people who seek these things are unwilling to relinquish masc dom entirely. Younger men are better!
Xena, Melbourne, Australia
Having been single and married and dating and not dating I would say that it is much much easier to be single than in a relationship and VASTLY easier to be unhappily and lonely single than unhappily and lonely in a relationship.
Grass is often greener!
R, Birmingham, UK
I am deeply in love with a man who is an "in the trenches" kind of guy. Amazing. But sexual chemistry is probably our weakest bond. Emotionally, we are 100% solid. When it comes to the rest of my life, I'll take a loyal partner/teammate over a great lover. I'm not settling, I'm realistic. And I'm 25
SK, San Francisco, USA
Settling for someone is not fair or either the woman or the man. Nobody wants to be the guy who was settled for, and no woman wants to be with someone she doesn't really love. This is totally silly. I'd rather have a happy single life than be miserable in a relationship - it's really not worth it!
Kat, Dundee, Scotland
I could relate greatly to Laura's article. I feel that to some degree I too have "settled". I have a wonderful husband who will make a great father for our baby, but the intense fiery desire and passion just isn't there. Different criteria for husbands and boyfriends - definitely!
Karen , Aberdeen,
i hope you'd find someone to be with...best wishes!
ambien, singapore,
Marriage is a wonderful institution, But who wants to live in an institution?
I was married and divorced twice by the time I was 30 years old. I dont think just because I was young and beautiful I had a better chance of making it successful.
Janet Lynham, Manchester, Lancs
The germans are ahead of us; and more pragmatic. Because of dwindling marriage numbers, they have a word that means 'life partner'. They also have a word that means 'section of my life partner' - maybe this is more realistic? your life will require different things at different times?
Ruth Turner, Cumbria,
British women in their 30s and 40s need a wake up call. In their 20s these girls talked to their boyfriends about politics, religion, love, philosophy. Now they talk about shoes, handbags, vibrators and how shallow men are. Try treating men as human beings again, not just marriage fodder!
Martin, Birmingham,
How do I get to meet Laurie Gottlieb?
Divorced - gentleman - barrister
Robert, London, UK
I am married with children, know ladies in their 20's who can't find a decent man - Why? Because these girls are soooo fussy! I wish they would wake up and realise that Romantic Love can be wonderful but it is usually just fantasy!
jenna, swindon, uk
"Settling" seems to be an unwitting realisation that for a person to be happy in a relationship they need to be a realist not a dreamer.
David, Cheshire,
Hmm, aged 36, I have just met a man who has taken my breath away - for someone who is a die-hard singleton, love cynic, and independent feminist, falling for someone in this way is the best feeling on earth. If I had" settled", as I could have done, I would have probably missed this jackpot.
NB, LA, USA
A FABULOUS article. THANKYOU! Honest, authentic, and ringing bells loudly for me. My mum brandished it to prove I need to get a move on and stop being so picky and independent (I'm 35 and the clock ticketh loudly but I can't bear to settle - yet). I used it back to prove I am not alone in this...
Siobhán, Ireland,
I totally agree with this article. But I think the problem is actually meeting the person you might want to settle for/with... My mother does tell me I'm too picky but I am not... I just never meet anybody new and single! I'm 38, divorced and childless.
Emily, Epsom, UK
The word "settle" makes me uncomfortable. Maybe he is a good provider or father to the children but soon grow up and move on. Here you are stuck with this shallow, boring or incompatable lug who is just making you depressed. Maybe in the beginning you settled but now you want compatiblity & love.
Georgia Douda, Long Island, USA
If it is so palatable to 'settle', based on the author's arguments,
why hasn't she done so already? could it be that it is too DEPRESSING? and what kind of example would this cold arrangement set for the kids?
RL, NY, US
What about when you have a fantastic man but they just won't marry you and see no reason for it but you want the security?
emma, London, UK
This writer did not address the fact that when we marry less than perfect spouses (that means all of us!) we can make a difference in the lives of each other and help one another mature into great people! I may have settled with my hubby but after 25 years of being married to me-everyone wants him!
Asa, pullman, usa
I agree with Crazy Jamie. I was settled on also. I thought were
were in love, but I was merely a good pay check. I also could
do nothing right. Finally It ended. She is now sorry for the hell
she put me though, but I am free... oh so free. Surfing has never
been better. MARRIAGE IS BAD.
John, placentia, OC California
Has any one read "The Cinderella Complex" ? this is entertaining old hat and will never change .....
katherine savage, warr, united kingdom
First off, I don't believe that the author is advocating "settling" per se but rather lowering standards that may be set too high. Are you "settling" when you marry a wonderful man but may only be 5'5? How about examining the reasons the author and other singles have set the bar so high?
Kris, Reading, USA
My advice, for what its worth... Stop worrying about finding 'the one' and start living for yourself !!!
Eithne, London,
Some have commented that ALL men want are young pretty women "full stop" If this is true, then why complain when ALL women supposedly want rich powerful men? Demean others worth as humans and they shall do the same to you. Find love, except they're flaws, but do not settle!
Jen, London,
I always have thought that every relationship involves some degree of "settling". That's why I got married at 21, to the first man who really showed any interest. But there are limits to how little you can accept. And that's why I've never regretted getting divorced, however alone I am now.
S. Evans, Hawick,
"every woman I know... feels panic if she hits 30 and finds herself unmarried."
You know some pathetic women.
You claim you're 100% right and anyone disagreeing is kidding themselves; how wonderful it must be to think you're so jolly clever! I'm in favour of settling, but a 'connection' is vital.
Adam Neilson, Birmingham,
In my earlier comment I said I'm all in favour of settling. I am, but I meant 'settling down' rather than 'settling for...'.
By the end of your article it's obvious you think 'settling for' somebody is more likely than being able to 'settle down with' them; more perverted feminism I suspect.
Adam Neilson, Birmingham,
My friend settled for his wife. It is their 40th anniversary soon, and he has cheated on her with other women the entire time and describes their marriage as the biggest mistake of his life. He hasn't left because he is afraid the children will ostracize him. Settling has made him miserable.
KP, Henley, UK
Men prefer younger women full-stop, the younger the better (up to a point). Romantic love is being loved more than you love back. How 'much' do you have to love someone? Define love? Don't look for 'the one', silly: look at what's in front of you and make 'the choice' or forever hold your peace.
EG, UK,
Kudos! At 35 and a mother of a 10 yr old... the love of my life was geeky, unkept, cheap and for the most part practical. But he was patient in waiting me out, while I waited for a more worldly, wealthier beau, who never showed up. He is still a geek and pratically practical but he's a keeper.
Miss Nikky, Pompano Beach, USA
I think some people have missed the point that a good realtionship is about compromising with someone you love and are sexually attracted to because they are worth doing so with and for. 'Settling' on the other hand is just stupid.
Deborah, Glasgow,
The insanely high expectations that modern women have regarding men produce much female unhappiness.
But marrying a man you despise only to have free babysitting is a recipe for disaster.
You are not a perfect woman so don't expect a perfect man. But there are lots of good men to marry.
Pablo, Madrid, Spain
I wish i knew where all these women were.
I am in my early forties, a muti millionare, 6ft, 12st 7, attractive, no ex wife, no kids, drive a ferrari and............. as single as hell!!.
you reckon the women are fishing in a small pool!
simon. london
simon edwards, chislehurst, england
Women look 4 the best possible man to date/marry. If unsuccessful, in their 40's they begin to hear the bell (for the last round of drinks as in the pubs). They need to be more open to relationship-making when they are younger. From my experience, most are snobby, pretentious and hard to impress.
SF, Athens, Greece
I'm 35 soon and single. Sometimes it's good, others it's not. As I don't want children, I have figured that it saves a lot of tension by remaining single, and also reduces compromise.
Perhaps I am unusual though - even as a little girl I fantasised about being an explorer, not a mum.
AK, Macclesfield,
Just wanted to say, great article. Well written, honest, makes an excellent point. Thanks.
Luke Smith, Nottingham, UK
1. You can't always have what you want. If a good relationship and a desire for a family don't coincide then you simply have to choose which to do without.
2. Yes we are too picky, but if 'settling' is marrying someone you don't love, then you're living a lie and need to examine your conscience.
Jane, London,
Marriage is all about management and there is nothing wrong with settling, it's all about how much are you willing to settle. I disagree with your notion that guys don't settle, we most certainly do. We feel alone as well, but we're just better at lying or being in denial
Henry, Oxford, UK
I cannot understand why women who choose to become single parents do not see that the what they see as a thought process to want a child is a natural drive out of their control.
If a species does not have the evolutionary drive to procreate independent of thought it will probably perish.
Dave Madley, Alicante, Spain
Men are supposed to disperse sperm, women are supposed to select it. Thus, it's OK to be picky. The question is 'what is the selection based on?'. I mean, what is important and what isn't. What do women want? What do women THINK the want?
Rui, Lisbon,
This woman like many others is a victim of cultural brainwashing or what is known as second wave feminism. Again these poor victims miss the point totally. Men are attracted to young, beautiful women, men are attracted to feminine women. We don't like sluts as wives: we are selecting YOU!
Terry Candy, Croydon, England
My Mum settled for my Dad. I spent my teenage years crying and wishing they'd get divorced so he would leave. I will never get married after growing up with the example of my parents. Married parents aren't always the best option so why this ignorant assumption that it is?!
Claire, Henley, UK
So go get married then.
Leo, Stellenbosch, South Africa
You neglect to mention that younger women have a much greater chance of having healthy babies. If a man is interested in starting a family he would be insane to opt for a woman over 30. By being self-centered and over picky in their 20's woman will greatly reduce their chance of lifelong happiness.
Tom Leeburn, London, Great Britain
the sad thing is that, because of your "independence", your son will have the sort of childhood that will leave him as an adult with the kinds of problems that you dislike in men you have dated and didn't think came up to scratch.
Dan, London,
After 30, 'settling; is just another term for seeing their 'potential'.
CM, london, uk
Hmmm...the "Having it all" thing....I am 35 (nearly 36, have a great career and a great husband, but no kids....yet.) As the generation that grew up after feminism had made it's glorious mark, I feel I was sold the idea that I could have it all, without anyone pointing out the reality of biology.
Emily , Richardson TX, USA
What a joke! I guess it's easy to suggest "settling" to other women.....cause it's not the women who get creamed by the family courts or divorce courts! It's ALWAYS the guy who gets crucified...no matter who is to blame for the failed marriage! So...to the men out there...NEVER settle!! NEVER!
Shane, Raleigh, N.C/USA
Amazing how a few years changes one's opinion. Youth take heed! The problem women have is that they've been lied to all their lives. It starts with the fairytales, then goes to the movies, the tv shows, all the messages they take in. There is always "better." Ask instead, what's "enough?"
Daniel, California,
Ladies take an interest in mens sports/interests.
Football, golf, racing, cars, bikes to name a few.
That is where we are and that is where you will find us.
Peter Hollidai, Ratoath,
Amazing. A feminist talking common sense about marriage. Never seen that before. As an aside, where on earth did you girls get the idea that you could have it all, and easily at that? Life is reality, fantasy is in fairy tales. Your Grandma knew that.
Paul Francis, Brisbane , Australia
Depressing reading but probably true. Dwindling fertility as we age brings with it gloomy social prospects for the female of the species. Age diminshes everyone but for women the effects are far worse. No amount of legislation or political correctness can change the ruthlessness of mother nature.
Michelle, Edinburgh,
I think some readers are wrong to suspect the author of patronising or offending them with her views on settling. She is not telling anyone how to live their lives but passing on her experience to younger generations to have a think about. Most women do have maternal instincts and to them she speaks
Michelle, Edinburgh,
This is one of the best articles I have read in ages.
It all comes down to maturity. Once you have lived, loved, won and lost, you get a better sense of what works and doesn't and you tend to become much more forgiving of a partner. Once you see it that way, its easier to love and be loved!
John , Milan, Italia
What will be, will be. Sometimes you are just not meant to be 'just like everyone else'.
Lisa, Bournemouth, UK
Did it never occur to you to NOT structure your life-goals around producing children? You have artificially distorted a large part of your life with this nonsense.
Liam, Stoke, UK
I enjoyed your article. It reminds me of my situation - and I'm a man!
wayne, st. george's, grenada
Marriage is a big castle.The one,who is in it ,wants to get out of it. The one,who is out of it,wants to get in it.
Arabic proverb
croco, London, London
I decided in my late teens that I never wanted kids. Always made it clear to men I've been involved with. Just about to hit 40 and I've never wavered in my opinion. No ticking biological clock and no regrets. So author shouldn't assume that everybody thinks like her.
Gwen, London, UK
Most relationships before marriage don't fail because we "settle", they fail because of conflict. I don't know how you could or should settle for a conflict-filled relationship. Better to be single then.
Claudia, Atlanta, USA
The writer's misconception that all women feel the same way she does about marriage and children is presumptuous and narrow: 'if you say you’re not worried, you’re either in denial or lying.' Some of us really don't hanker after kids and a ring on our finger. (34, unmarried, no kids, no worries...)
Jane, edinburgh,
If you are a good looking woman in your mid thirties who has not yet married and is now panicing as you see your charms fade against the 20 year old nubile field is say this....
Ha!
It serves you right for binning me when I was 27! Ha!
He who laughs last etc.
Dave St Peters, London,
What an utter pile of patronising garbage. You should be ashamed of writing such tosh.
I'm married but chosen NOT to have children which by your reckoning makes me a liar or in denial . Who on earth are you to tell me what I'm thinking?
Words fail me.
Nicola, Manchester,
Why would any self-respecting man want to be `settled for` by a self-absorbed, judgemental and haughty single-mother in her late-30s or 40s?
Even for men in their 40s, there are plenty of nice, non-judgemental women in their late 20s and early 30s who will be happy to love them without `settling`
Shaun Wilson, Berwick,
I'm 23 & looking for a decent girlfriend, a career woman, they're impossible to hold on to, busy touring the world, working toward careers etc to bother with a relationship! But at the same time I couldn't imagine dating someone who didn't have some sort of education
mike, melbourne, australia
That was a facinating read, & very enlightening. I'm in my late 20s, but this really struck a chord, & I do not believe these emotions should be the reserve of the mid-30's plus. Finding 'the one' is something we all think about, strive for, from a very early age, & this is pragmatic advise. Thanks!
Sean, Dublin, Ireland
lol- the nonsense you silly ageing women and the rubbish you come out with make me laugh.
Too much time on your hands on no grasp of the reality of the human condition.
WE AGE and the human cycle means that at some point we have to procreate because at some point you will lose your looks.
Alex Lee, carshalton, united kingdom
My advice as a dad, to my daughters, would be to marry a kind man. Nothing else is so important. Conversely, I can't think of any pearls of wisdom to give my son on attributes to look for in a woman.
Guy Thornton, Swindon, UK
Sweet baby Jesus...If the worst comes to the worst then I'll marry you.
Andrew, Francistown , Botswana
Two books I wish all women would read before age 21: "What Our Mothers Didn't Tell Us" by Danielle Crittenden, and "Creating a Life" by Sylvia Ann Hewlett. You've far fewer years in which to have children & attract a man for marriage, than you think. I'm 46, ready to start a family myself.
Luke, Grand Junction, CO, USA
I'm very happily married to the man I met in my mid 30's who I made a concious decision "not to pick apart" I am hugely looking forward to being old wrinkly and grey with him. Sure sometime he drives me insane but then I'm sure I do the same to him. I don't think I settled I was more openminded
S, London,
Why do women think it's an attack on feminism or strong independent women if a woman starts talking of 'longing' for a husband (man) and family? The reality is we place so much emphasis on careers, holding out for Mr Right that we forget time matters...but so does love :)
I enjoyed your article...
Kathryn , St John's, Antigua, WI
To G, Sydney - agreed, 'settling' is not good. I'm willing to look if you're out there! Can I make 1 polite suggestion to the guys? PLEASE don't treat the idea of a 30+ woman as someone to be avoided. We are often attractive & smart & HAVEN'T been tempted to settle! We just want to find an equal!
M, London,
It's a good thing most men don't go through all this whinging crap (yes, I'd like one with big breasts, blond hair, can cook like a dream, keeps house wonderfully and is a whore in the bedroom plus earns a good salary and keeps her family at bay - know any?) else the human race would die out.
Dave, Slough,
I believe we all have 2 true loves. The 1st is for the passion and the 2nd is for the companionship. Settling is good - when you've lived a little (well, a lot actually) and only after you've had your 1st love. Be sure that you have respect for your partner, initially, and the rest will develop.
LG, London, UK
If you're "settling" to start with, there is nothing in the course of a marriage that is going to make it feel less like you settled along the way. We only get one life, why chose to live it like that? You're not doing yourself or your children any favors.
Lynn, Philadelphia, USA
What a puff piece. Of course you look wistfully towards two-parent families on a day out, two parents to run after the little blighters is much easier. If you consciously planned to be a one-parent family without fully understanding the downsides, and how much work it would be, more fool you.
Sarah, London, UK
I'm a 36 year old woman without desire for babies or husband. But of course, according to you I'm lying or in denial. It seems to have passed you by, but feminism is about CHOICE. Whether that be to have the traditional family or not, your condemnation of other women's decisions is breathtaking.
Danielle, Brighton, UK
Outrageous article. Why is society so obsessed with marriage, babies, houses, cars... What about travelling, having adventure? To me this sounds like an article about someone who's had a baby and wants someone to share the prisonlike boredom of motherhood with. An insult to independent women.
Liz, West Mids,
With all the things you have done Laurie, how did you not find a someone who shared at least one passion with you? Surely this is how to finding that person we all know is out there. I think I've had my love and it ended suitably terribly. It's five years later but I'm ready to start finding again.
Al, Birmingham,
Ahh ladies - you just don't know what's what do you. You have it your way when young - attention from men, fun nights out, exciting love life, perks to go with the older wealthy guys you can date... Then, horror, it suddenly evaporates and it's time to settle. Aging single mums - they're settling?
Dan, London,
I'm utterly stunned. When I hit 30 I was never more happy, confident, intellectually fulfilled than any previous point in my life, and to suggest I was somehow in 'panic' is nonsense!
I have a great boyfriend because I choose, but I don't need a man or a child in my life to validate my existence.
Clare, Birmingham, UK
Oh good, the old stereotype of desperate women, crazy for husband/child. Might as well have arranged marriage then. I'd rather be secure in myself first (financially and emotionally) than 'settle'. Too many marry because they think they should, only for things to go wrong later.
Tess, London,
"Overlook his halitosis or abysmal sense of aesthetics" Err .... I wouldn't do this. I am a married woman, 32, and it is stuff like halitosis that causes strain between a married couple. At the beginning, you think you can sort it out, but 2 or more years down the line, it drives you up the wall.
Alex, leeds, uk
re: complaining mums at the mum-and-me group
The toddler years are the hardest on the marriage. Things fall into place during school years, then get tricky again when the kids are teens. Laughing together is crucial at every phase.
Nancy, London,
I read an earlier article by the same woman on how great it is to date while pregnant. She has a real tendency to generalise about the human race based on her own very personal experience! I met my partner at 24 and at 32 have just had my first child with him. Definitely luck rather than 'settling'!
Victoria , Lancaster,
Why is it always a woman that writes something like that?
Ever thought about that?
Irene, London,
Marry a man who smells good & makes you laugh.
Someone who is kind & loves you just a little bit more than he loves himself. Don't marry for children. If they come then you are blessed, if not you can still have a happy marriage. Try to stop thinking of ME & think of US - endless pleasure results
Helen, Delta, Canada
Truthful & self-revealing & full of insight. Despite 49 years of a very good marriage I never quite understood my loyal, modest, quiet wife. A resourceful woman who ended by supporting me. She would probably have agreed with this woman's views -- I think the author speaks for much of humanity.
Ernest Werner, Trumansburg NY , USA
The problem is not in our stars, but in ourselves. Give this a thought: you cannot find a man you would be happy with because you are not happy with yourself. People who will only take the "best" or the "perfect" anything are not appreciating all that's good in themselves and in life.
Chris, San Francisco, United States
F 43, Never Married, No Children. I think back at all the lousy relationships I have been in, and am thankful that I did not get married. Yes, I would like to be married to a wonderful man, and would love to have had his wonderful child-but none of the men I dated where wonderful-and I'm not fussy
Faith, Portland, Oregon/USA
I think we all - women and men - need to learn some humility. It's such a nonsense to think that eg halitosis, is a deal-breaker! Look at yourself in the mirror for 30 seconds + see if he/she might have an equally ridiculous reason to rule you out, then see if you still think halitosis is so bad
Brad, Texas,
Love grows, along with respect, bonding and a wonderful, shared history. You have so many things you both understand. Its true we all get old, wrinkled and less attractive physically--what lasts is personality and character, and character matters most.
Nonni Michelle Davis, Louisiana, USA
What is less, and what is more though?
Is less:
- you don't love them?
- you don't find them sexually attractive?
- they have some habits that annoy you?
- they have fundamental behaviours that cause you hurt?
- they have a pulse, sperm and are settling too?
How less, is less, that's the question.
Laura Roberts, London, London
My auntie has never been married, lives alone and is now reaching her 60s,whenever we see her we feel sorry because she has no one to call her own family ( we are her family but not her own children)...and sometimes we can sense her loneliness, I tell myself I am not gonna end up alone in my life.
John, kuala lumpur, Malaysia
You sound so desperated and lost. I wish you changed your mind and looked on the brighter side .
Pierre Corso, Noumea, New Caledonia
what is most important is the relationship you have with yourself,if this is and was strong enough,it is probably the reason you were not prepared to settle in your 20's..why should you now?espically with a child in which to set an example to,if settling be that example, god help the future
Philippa, NORTHAMPTON,
Jane Austen is having a resurgence here in the US and I think she, like you, captures the conflicts of women - marry for love, for position, for familial reasons. At least today women have careers and have power to choose. The outcome may be luck. I prefer a happy ending with love and happiness.
Susan Lavine, Washington DC, USA
The idea that men would be happy with a woman "settling" for them is ridiculous! What a waste of a life. Better to enjoy the search than stay with a woman who doesn't love you. Particularly as she will probably divorce you and take half everything you've ever earned once she's got the kids she wants
David Space, London, UK
Marrying someone you don't love is just wrong. It's simply using another human being purely to achieve your own desires. No-one has the right to do that without offering love in return.
Malcolm , London, UK
I'm 31, childless, and I had my tubes tied when I was 24. I'm so glad this article isn't relevant to me in any way!
L Porter, London,
There is a lot of truth in this article. For the boys it starts in school where the girls in your year dont want to date you because you are not grown up enough. Funny thing is the shoe is on the other foot when you are ten years older.
John, Egremont,
I found it hilarious to read that "every woman I know feels panic if she hits thirty and find herself unmarried". I think I'd be panicked if I hit thirty and was married! I'm 24 and having too much fun to be worrying about it! But then everyone is diff; I guess that's just me (and some friends!).
Gemma, Ireland,
Maria
The advice to women is stop looking for a non-existent dream man and start looking for a man who may be less than perfect but who ticks most of the important boxes. Not grab the first passing weirdo/paedo/loser and drag him up the aisle.
Esther, London,
The options for older women are as stark as the author suggests. If marriage is a priority then do it by mid 30s at the latest or risk missing out. I'm 48, single and not in with a chance these days. However, like many other women (and men) I would rather be alone than with the wrong person.
Isadora, London,
Advising single mothers over 40 to settle is dangerous. Vulnerable single 40-something mothers with low self-esteem are ideal prey for men with hidden paedophile tendencies. A wise mother puts her children first, checks out a man's background and stays on her own rather than settle for second best.
Maria, Dublin, Ireland
Great article. I'm married to the perfect man for me, deciding before that I wouldn't settle for a man not sharing my beliefs and interests. But the idea of marrying with 'in love' feelings is crazy as this doesn't last forever, better to marry 'your best friend' and work at being a 'great wife.'
Eleanor, Porto,
This all about wanting the "best" - the best house, the best job, the best partner, etc, etc. People who won't settle for less than the best are never happy, because they're always thinking about the prospect of something better. Compromise can be such a wonderful, releasing thing to do.
Rupert, Gaia,
Disagree with this article. I'm 50, recently divorced from a man I never should have married, 8 year old daughter and quite happy with my new singleton status. Have recently met the most wonderful man through online dating and wouldn't trade places with my long-term married friends for anything!
Maria, London, UK
An interesting and thought provoking article but what you have overlooked is that it's a lot easier to put up with someone's flaws and quirks if you love them.
A. Hazell, Canberra, Australia
I really disagree with this article. Like the author I'm in my 40's with a sperm donor-concieved baby. I 'settled' in my 20's for 6 years and it was utterly dreadful. 'Settling' is an experience I would NEVER endorse. J, London
JH, London, England
34, and have never wanted children.
i had the crisis of being without in a society aimed and telling me i should have children and married.
its not what i want out of life.
so iLaurie f you want to say i am in denial or lying - thats your choice, i'm at peace and very happy
caval, melbourne, australia
I've been settled on and it sucks. I cant do anything right, have had no romantic involvement with my wife for nearly five years (Barring the fact that we did go out to lunch last September). I'm bored. Losing faith in myself and the ability to do my job. Don't be settled on Boys!!
Crazy Jamie, Scotland.,
I think there is certainly some truth in this, however surely the most important relationship is with yourself and nuturing that and valuing yourself. Then when you're in a good place and living your life to the full, you're more likely to attract the "right" kind of man, rather than making do!
Ana, Melbourne, Australia
I think it is better to be alone than to be lonely together.
V, Melbourne,
I don't think you defined 'settled' tightly enough. Marry the man you find physically attractive, who makes you laugh and vice versa, who you genuinely like. That man with have faults, everyone does. If that's settling then the alternative (perfection) just doesn't exist.
Mike, London,
I absolutely loved this article, it is not only fantastically written, but also brutally honest. Seriously, this is one of the best articles I have read in a long time.
Andrea Murphy, Bolton, England
i started reading your article only because i totally disagreed with your headline. But, after reading this, i feel kind of "reflective".. As a 20 yr old, i find myself spending a lot of time on <a href ="http://www.match.com"> online dating sites</a> hoping to find that perfect guy. Time to change
Carolyn, el paso, tx,
My partner met the love of her life at 40. What would have happened if she'd "settled" with a guy at 30 instead?
Mind you, a lot of single women are single because they're desperate and it shows. And a guy wouldn't touch them with a bargepole. Stop looking, start living, whether you're 16 or 40.
M. R., Stockport,
Nice to see that feminism has been a total waste of energy. Why do we bother?
Angela, Leeds,
This is very funny to me. I am a nice guy who was often in woman’s second place in my 20s as they looked for the bad boy. Now in my early 40s and almost all of my wife’s friends, are extremely jealous of her. I have woman following me around at work. I am the same person I was then, just older, but it seems woman aren’t looking for the bay boy anymore.
Paul, Boston,
you are so right! I married at 38 I had my fist child at 39 and now at 40 Im pregnant with my second one. When i was 35 i had all the thoughts you describe. But then I met my husband at 36 and I feel so lucky. He was the first man I decided not to pick apart. Thank GOD. I would be alone forever.
silvia , london,
30? worried? I don't think so. I'm a 30 year old musician. I may want marriage and kids but it's taken me years to get to where I am and I would rather die in a pool of my own vomit than end up in the situation of my mum who had to support someone all her life and was never able to persue her dreams
Diana, London, UK
Interesting article, its all about compromise and how far one will go with that. I think that in my Twenties I often rejected or was rejected by a prospective partner for some small difference. BUT a lot of "arranged marriages" do work!?
Alan, Split, Croatia
This is so, so complex. In complete agreement - and identification - with some of this article. But the rising circle of, "I could settle for better..." hit home like a dart. The trouble with settling, is this real ache in the pit of the stomach of dissatisfaction; a haunting unrelenting sorrow.
Laura Roberts, London, London
Holding out for something/someone better until it's too late.
I think the French expression "mieux, c'est l'ennemi du bien" sums the situation up nicely...
WS Kirkmont, Paris, France
Younger people are more open to falling in love so it is easier when younger BUT children change all realtionships so that parents have to shift their focus from each other to running the family 'business'. It's inevitable but our obsession with romantic love makes this transition difficult.
lisa, paris,
Perhaps if women were more straightforward with men they'd find men more willing to commit in the first place. Also - what delusion is it that brainwashes Gottlieb into believing that women should settle for second-best? I'm a man and quickly came to realise how foolhardy a decision that (once) was.
Mr Joseph White, Loughborough, UK
The gap between women (with or without kids) who get emotional and practical support from a romantic partner and single mothers is vast. As is the "marketability" of the 40 year old child-free women and the single mother on the dating market.
Vicky, Germany,
Too many women want to be a mum not a mate. Men aren't stupid, why should they oblige as sperm donor then eternal bank for a woman who'll want them out of the picture once she has what she wants? There's no such thing as having it all, that's why it's called romantic fantasy in the first place!
Ysabel Ekaterin, Mansfield, UK
We're never satisfied with what we have.
Howard, Manchester,
The folly quest for the real love—the romantic, irrational love you were predestined to—have caused more pain, unhappiness and distress than any other conception. A relatively new idea contrived in the Century XVIII. Not only women suffer it but men too. But only women have the guts to realize it.
Sebastian, Halifax VA, USA
Spot on - from a perspective of a 54-year old. When the struggle to bring up your child and put it through uni is over, you're free again and wise enough not to want to stay alone. But you've lost your looks, social skills and spark, and you are deeply in debt. Anyway,men your age date 35-year olds.
Susanna, London,
40-something female with a child talking about having to settle for less? Glad to see you've finally realised that beggars can't be choosers.
Nick Clegg, London,
So married people never get divorced do they?
Emma, London, England
Don't most people who marry settle? Why else is it called 'settling down'? Perfection is not humanly achieveable, so we all settle at some point.
jb, London, UK
This is depressing - I guess in our jaded world, romance is now dead. Making do is not an option for me, but maybe I will change my mind when I turn 40, but at the moment I am quite happy believing (possibly deluding myself) that there is someone out there for me who is just right!
Leena, London,
im 39 and never been more sexy and am loving it far more than my 20's. Yes the so- called mr right , mr die for passion seem hard to pin down - but I think I wont 'settle' for anything less cos why settle for less than best for yourself - or it will just end in divorce and affairs....
Theresa, oxford, uk
As is so common in our society, this article assumes that having a child is the be and end all. I suppose with hindsight I could have "settled" for someone a few years ago and had a family. But I know I am much happier being with the man I love and childless, than I woudl be as a single mother
Caroline, Wokingham,
What worries me is that the day I turned 25 I realised I'd have to get my act in gear if I want the 'dream'. After all, date for 2-3yrs, engaged for 1-2, a couple of yrs married before baby 1, a couple of yrs then baby 2, looks like I have got to settle soon before my clock stops ticking! Scary...
Amelie, London,
You can't possibly settle! Marriage is hard work, you both inevitably change and not always together so don't start by settling. I married a short, fat and extremely funny man. He may not be everyone's cup of tea, but 15 years on he's still perfect to me...settling surely never works.
Claire Howard, Phuket, Thailand
Brave thoughts of a woman negotiating difficult choices. I'm a divorced working mother of a 4 yr old (with no maintenance payments) with 3 marriage proposals under my belt from significantly older, successful, financially secure men. I haven't settled yet. But I married for love the first time...
Deerhound, Glasgow,
I passed 40 a few years ago and never found the right man at the right time. Came close in my early 30s, but by the time it ended and I was ready, the "playing field" was non-existent but for the sad, walking-wounded. I wouldn't settle for someone who I knew would drag down for the next +40 years.
K, Boston, USA
Wonderful article giving a good counterpoint to the series of articles and letters a month or so back about why women in their twenties now reject men their own age and prefer to "have it all" - until biology calls time and the men their own age are actually mid-thirties and with younger models...
John Stobart, Oakham, Rutland, UK
I think this could be a recipe for disaster. If genuine loving relationships are failing then what hope has the settling relationship got? I think soon enough the attributes that irritated in the first place would escalate and become unbearable. Not fair when there are children involved.
Julie Bayfield, Woodbridge, Suffolk
There's a saying: "Men get older, but women age." That means 'older men' are thought to be attractive and women just ... well... age. So, girls, grab whatever you can because your time for grabbing is short.
Advice from an 'older man'.
A G McFarlane, Bucharest, Romania
Hmmm. You are right that women I meet who are over 30 are much more fixated on the prize than they would have been ten years ago. But settling for someone who is bad for you is very dangerous - not least because if you do have a kid they are raised disfunctionally. Just look harder - we do exist
g, sydney, AUS
How spectacularly depressing.
sarah, london,
Again, over generalization of the female gender. I am 29 years old and I will be married soon to the "One", and no I didn't dream him up. I didn't put him on a pedestal. He is real with flaws but he is the one. You should talk to the people who "settled" and see how they are doing. One word--Regret.
Jo, Los Angeles, USA