I’m 50 — it’s time to take up jogging

The received wisdom is that you’re never too old to start a fitness regime. But that depends on the regime. Nicolas Sarkozy was doing so well. The beautiful wife, a renewed vim and vigour plus a toned body more suited to a Tour de France cyclist than a 54-year-old president. Daily jogs in the park, controlled eating and a much younger wife were having the desired effect. But a passerby who saw Sarkozy jogging last Sunday said: “He looked really tired and was almost dragging his feet. If he wanted to show off, it was not very effective.” So what went wrong? He didn’t listen to his body and the pint-sized macho man fainted while out on a run in the parkland surrounding the Palace of Versailles. It’s a common problem — middle-aged men who don’t realise their limits. They push their bodies, forgetting that they’re no longer young, and the result is more crash than dash. That’s not to say that eating well and exercising in middle age is bad — but it must be accompanied by sufficient self-knowledge to stop when your body has had enough.

Doctor’s orders Stick to the rowing machine in your spare bedroom — at least nobody can see you.

Waterworks trouble? It must be my prostate

Male plumbing problems are automatically assumed, by public, health campaigners and many doctors, to be prostate-related. However, some typical “prostate” symptoms — peeing frequently or at night, and having to get there in a hurry — have other potential causes. These include stones, infections, medication side-effects and a twitchy bladder. Elderly women suffer these symptoms as much as men, and they don’t have a prostate.

Doctor’s orders All that piddles isn’t prostate.

I must check my testicles three times a day

Blokes are told they should routinely self-examine for testicle cancer. In fact, this form of cancer is rare. GPs see only three or four new cases in an entire career. Health experts now discourage self-examination. This is because most nasties reveal themselves through an ache or obvious swelling. The chances of discovering one on a routine feel around are tiny. The odds of noticing a harmless swelling, though, are high. Cue panic and unnecessary tests.

Doctor’s orders Don’t become a ball-watching neurotic.

All this beer must be going to my gut

Beer is fattening. So your belly reflects the number of pints you’ve downed — or does it? You can pick the evidence to suit your argument. Some researchers have found that the size of a beer belly is in proportion to beer intake. Others believe it is true only for those drinking more than 21 units per week, whatever the type of alcohol — or that it applies only to binge drinking. The most popular evidence, for those propping up the bar, suggests that big bellies are down to genetics.

Doctor’s orders “Your round” — but you’re not necessarily round.

I won’t let a headache get in the way of my sex life

The received wisdom, which has launched countless jokes and cartoons, is that it is only women who have headaches that prevent sex. But this isn’t true. Men sometimes suffer “orgasm headache” — excruciating head pain at the point of climax. Rarely, this can be a sign of a bleed in the brain — cue an ambulance. Repeated episodes are usually a type of migraine, which your GP can treat.

Doctor’s orders Not tonight, darling, I’m having a CT scan.

I really must see more of my doctor.

Blokes are thought to be doctor-phobics. If they used medical services more frequently, they would be healthier. Men do use health resources less than women. But if you subtract the female stuff — antenatal care, smears, family planning — the difference evaporates. Besides, it’s unlikely that dragging traditional non-attenders — the young and middle aged — to the doctor will make a difference to their health.

Doctor’s orders If you are seeing your GP, you’re probably ill — so better to keep well away.

Health awareness campaigns – surely they can’t hurt?

Since men are such medical incompetents, we’re told, they need health campaigns to cajole and educate them. As far as I’m concerned, many “awareness campaigns” are simply a stunt to get publicity for a charity. Big pharmaceutical companies may be lurking in the background, too, if there is a drug to market. The result is, at best, a distorted message and, at worst, the medicalisation of normality.

Doctor’s orders Campaigns raise anxiety rather than awareness.

Next time I’ll go to the doctor earlier

Men are thought to be health wusses, so they inappropriately delay seeking medical help. It’s doubtful that delays in getting advice for man-flu, say, will seriously affect their health. And closer scrutiny of the research yields some surprises. Guess who waits longest before dialling 999 during a heart attack? Women.

Doctor’s orders No rush — unless your other half has chest pain.

A floppy member just needs a magic blue pill

True, Viagra helps most men with erectile dysfunction (ED). But there is more to it than necking tablets and switching off the football. In men over 40, ED can be a sign of “furred up” arteries, which means an increased risk of strokes and heart attacks. So ED is a situation where a check-up is a good idea.

Doctor’s orders Don’t be as dysfunctional as your erection — book that appointment.

Size does matter – why else would I get all those e-mails?

If the ads in the men’s glossies are to be believed, a bigger penis means a bigger personality and therefore more success with women. Perceived inadequacies in the pants department are a trick of perspective. Or they reflect deeper problems, which find their focus in “size”. So, the real issue is above the neck rather than below the belt. No wonder the rate of post-op dissatisfaction is so high.

Doctor’s orders Penis enhancement is cock and bull.