The Luxe

Celebrity cooks don’t often spend much time in their restaurants, it dilutes the magic

The Kitchin

I tried the snails and knew I couldn’t traverse life’s highlands with someone who didn’t love this dish more than they loved me

Cawdor Tavern

The roast of the day was like chewing the headmaster’s elbow patches, with a sauce that had the consistency of conditioner

Stop seeing the waiter as a loser

The ban on restaurants using service charges as pay is welcome; now let’s mend our table manners

Clarke's

The food here is too well brought up to be remotely flirtatious, and it draws the line at having fun with strangers

Green's

The oysters must have lied to get taken on as number 10s. They looked like the excavated effluvia from a dwarf’s sinuses

Cucina

A fashionable place for the nouveau riche, nouveau suave and nouveau single who want to push lunch around a plate

21212

Edinburgh restaurants are like the Black Watch guarding the castle. Bruisers who don’t know the meaning of the word 'retreat'

Kai

The Chilean sea bass, cooked with those small mushrooms you find growing in the corners of damp bedrooms, was delicious

Sushinho

This was rather like taking bites out of other people’s Pret A Manger sandwiches

Dolada

It was, the manager imparted with presidigital smugness, the deconstruction of pizza. You chugged the lot like a yard of ale

Eastside Inn

Then there was the most pathetic and risible cheeseboard I’ve ever been shown with a flourish

Lutyens

The sommelier offered his advice in the manner of a private obstetrician attending a Saudi princess

Portobello Pizza

If you have one of those 'nothing but pizza will do' cravings, this is the place to have it. Probably Notting Hill's best

Gallery Mess

I had a vitello tonnato with those small intense capers, and not the ones that look like frogs’ testicles

The Palm

The chips were flabby and schoolish, the side orders un-Americanly mean and insipid

Chapter One

In the Dublin's Writers Museum: Every dish came with more supporting bridesmaid ingredients than a Hello! wedding