Someone has to wear the pinstriped suits and expensive Italian shoes of bankerdom if the UK – well, mostly London – is to maintain its reputation as one of the great financial centres of the world. Could it be you? Take our ridiculous quiz and find out.

1. In the morning, you:
a. Put on an expensive yet conservative suit and read the Financial Times (1 point)
b. Have been in the office since 5am (2 points)
c. Calculate your net worth and smile smugly (3 points)
d. Have a large coffee but feel guilty that it’s not fair trade (0 points)

2. Your favourite smell is:
a. Money (1 point)
b. Cocaine (-1 point)
c. The burn of computer networks processing enormous transactions (2 points plus a 10 per cent bonus if you answered “c” to question 1)
d. The Tube in summer (0 points)

3. Your boss has been asked to appear before the board to explain discrepancies in a client’s accounts. Do you:
a. Log on to her computer while she’s in the meeting to see if you can find anything incriminating that might help you to get promoted (2 points plus free tickets to the corporate box)
b. Start sweating despite not having broken any laws, technically speaking (1 point)
c. Fail to notice that anything’s going on until you read about it in the paper the next day (0 points)
d. Call your lawyer (convert all points accrued to hard currency and hope for the best)

4. In which subjects did you get As at A level?
a. All of them (2 points)
b. Maths, physics or economics (1 point for each to a maximum of 5 points)
c. English literature (0 points unless your father is the chairman of a bank, in which case 6 points)
d. Don’t remember (-1 point)

5. The US sub-prime mortgage crisis:
a. Demonstrates the hollowness of the American dream (0 points)
b. Was a clear risk that should have been obvious to anyone (0 points unless you have proof that you said this before the crisis occurred, in which case 3 points)
c. Doesn’t bother me at all. I bought in London in 1996 (increase value of current points by 199 per cent)
d. Is why I’ve been encouraging clients to invest in China rather than the United States (10 points minus a 3 per cent pollution levy on all points)

What’s your score?

I don’t have the exact figures in front of me, but my model of the international market suggests that a high-risk strategy will pay off. Have you considered investment banking? It’s a perfect balance of bluff, balls and actual knowledge about money markets.

Your method for calculating the results is flawed. Are you saying that you could develop a more efficient system? Sounds like you’re cut out for a back-room role.

I can’t do percentages on my fingers. This need not rule you out of a career in banking – I believe that most banks allow their staff to use calculators or even computers these days.

Less than 5. I wouldn’t trust you to be the banker in a game of Monopoly.

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