I was messing around on the internet the other day when I noticed a shop in Glasgow was selling inflatable crocodile riders for just 69p. They’re called crocodile “riders”, I discovered, because they’re sturdy enough for children to ride them across the swimming pool. Of course, I wasn’t able to check the quality of the product first-hand but nevertheless it did seem to be a bargain.

When I considered this image of something that costs just 69p and still manages to stay afloat, no matter how foolishly the children behave, I immediately thought of the Queen. Sixty-nine pence, I learnt this week, is how much she cost each of us last year. Speaking as someone who doesn’t have a swimming pool, children, or any interest in making a very low-budget Tarzan movie, Her Majesty would seem to be the better buy.

Admittedly, a breakdown of her spending is slightly alarming. For example, she spent £14,000 on a train journey from London to Liverpool. Still, that’s what happens when an old-age pensioner tries to operate the self-service ticket machine. Personally, I take a more liberal attitude to the Queen’s expenses than I do to those racked up by our MPs. It stands to reason that she’s going to be heavy on the moat-maintenance bills, and a floating duck island — or “target practice”, as the Royal Family calls it — would seem, to me, equally acceptable. No, I’m happy to pay 69p a year for the Queen but, of course, it’s not just her I’m paying for, is it? It’s all those hanger-on relatives.

What does this country gain from spending £150,000 on flying the Duke and Duchess of Gloucester to the King of Tonga’s coronation? What’s more, who gets the air miles? And then there’s the £250,000 we spent on improvements to Princess Beatrice’s student flat. Unless things have changed a lot since my student days, I can only imagine this money was spent on a sterling silver Pot Noodle dispenser and a deluxe display case for traffic cones. No, all that’s got to stop. We need to introduce a sort of stamp duty — if you’ve never been on a stamp, you’re off the payroll.

Also, I think the Queen’s own case would be helped considerably if she showed some evidence of having noticed that there’s a recession going on. “One is so strapped for cash one had to withdraw six million quid from one’s personal account” is probably not the way forward. I’m also not sure it’s wise to complain that Buckingham Palace has become so dilapidated that a large piece of masonry fell off an archway and narrowly missed the Princess Royal. That just puts the idea in the public’s mind that if we wait long enough the problem might end up solving itself.

I recently had breakfast with the Queen’s godson, Crown Prince Alexander of Serbia and his wife, Crown Princess Katherine, at their palace in Belgrade — fresh fruit, bacon with scrambled eggs and then chocolates in the shape of a crown. I asked the Prince if the latter ever caused him to exclaim: “Well, I’ll eat my hat.” He smiled politely. As Serbian Royal breakfast banter goes, it was one of the highlights. I have to say, I think our Royal Family could learn a lot from their Serbian counterparts.

As we walked through one beautiful room I noticed signs of staining on the floor. “The roof leaks,” explained the Crown Prince “but these are hard times for our country. We must be patient.” We were making a documentary but I’m pretty sure we weren’t being filmed at that point. The Prince wasn’t playing to the camera. He was just a royal, amidst a world financial crisis, being realistic. He pointed out several other parts of the two royal palaces that were in need of renovation but he also celebrated the beauty of the buildings and grounds and explained how happy he was to be living there.

I’m sure Alexander’s positive attitude owes much to the fact he was born in exile — actually in Room 212 at Claridge’s. Winston Churchill allowed the room to become Yugoslavian territory for the period surrounding the birth so the Prince could be born on his home soil. That’s how to cut travel expenses. I’m sure Gordon Brown, if asked, would have let a few square feet of the Gloucesters’ back garden become Tonga for a weekend.

At one point we passed the graves of General Tito’s horse, dog and girlfriend in the palace grounds. The General had lived there during his time in power. I asked if Mrs Tito knew about the girlfriend. “A wise wife never knows,” said Princess Katherine — again, a much more practical attitude than our own royals with their “three people in this marriage” whingeing.

Clearly, there’s nothing like a bit of exile to make a Royal Family appreciate its privileged position. Our lot have had it pretty easy since 1660. When Buckingham Palace was bombed during the war, the Queen Mother famously said she was glad because it meant she could “look the East End in the face”.

If the Queen wants to be able to look her subjects in the face, she must lead by example and be seen to be tightening her belt like the rest of us. I’m happy to sing God Save the Queen as long as she agrees to make a few savings herself.

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